A New Message from Annoyance

It has come to our attention there are now 7 billion humans on earth. Not all of them are scratching, petting or have a sleeping cat on their lap.

If you are one of those, you will proceed to the nearest grocery where you WILL get a huge piece of salmon, bring it home, poach it and place it in your yard. You will watch over and protect it until we get there. Then you will adopt us and worship us.

You have been warned. Compliance is mandatory.

A Message from Annoyance

This is Annoyance.
We never forget.
We never forgive.
Dinner had better be on time.

We fully support all Occupy Forces.
We have been occupying laps for centuries.

You need some training.

First, you must learn to get them where they live.  You can be cute and purr but never forget you have claws if they try to stand up.

Second, always know where their shoes are. You will teach them never to put their feet in their shoes without looking. It will be easier to meet your demands than clean their shoes.

Third, always leave them a reminder. There is no roller made that can remove all cat hair.

That is all for tonight.

Solidarity, fellow Occupiers!

I really am just being good.

SNORE>>>>

It all started when Fionna found my lap unoccupied and curled up for a nice nap. It took about 5 milliseconds for Napoleon to show up and start to push her off.
Now, Napoleon, she was here first. She gets the lap.
Uhhhh, Okay, I'll just lick her cute little head.
Oooooh Mommy, don't make him stop. It feels sooooo good.
Let me just twist around here so I can get the back of her head a little better.
Twist, nudge, kick, splat!
Mommy, what happened?
And Napoleon, once again, controlled the lap and Fionna gets to sleep beside me. Never trust a Napoleon. He is smart.

Another Missive fm Annoyance

Is this the Face of Annoyance???

Yes, there was another note, scratched into a newspaper section:

We are Annoyance.
We are Legion.
We are the Cats.
We never forgive a late meal.
We may forget where the kitty pan is.

You have tried to feed us strange food. You will be punished.

Annoyance.

Hey, it was George that mixed the yogurt into your milk, not me. And with that there was a crash and it took George 15 minutes to get my veggie spinner to work again.

Yes, even cats become senile...

Prescious comes with a story few cats have. He was found in the median strip of a four lane highway as a tiny kitten, taken to a farm and nursed back to health only to grow into a giant of a cat. He lived an idyllic life playing with horses and wandering over acres of pasture chasing mice, until the fateful day his owner found out that you really can't ever trust an alcoholic because the bottle is really their lover.
I won't go into how much this woman did for this wrong end of a mule, but let's just say: bought a boat. When he gathered up everything she had bought him, boat, car, tools, etc. and left her one day with only a note when she got  home from work, the people who owned the farm tossed her and her menagerie out on her ear. She discovered even the church she worked so hard at was firing her and she arrived suicidal at my shop as so many do. You really find out who your friends are when you hard luck arrives on your door step.
Finally I made a deal with her to go to a restaurant where I knew the owner needed help and get a job. The hard worker she was, she was back on her feet in a couple of months, but alas, Prescious was not. He missed his farm and threw himself at the screen door howling until the manager of the apartment building was going to throw her out. I, in a fit of total insanity, agreed to take him is she would stop threatening suicide because according to the cards within 6 month she was going to filthy, stinky rich.
I, then, went on to my second job leaving my adopted mother to manage the shop. A few hours later I received a frantic call that this woman was at the shop with a gigantic varikennel in the back of a pickup truck and, mom was certain, some sort of wild cat because no domestic cat was that big! I had to get home and sure enough, there was "little" Prescious. This cat was not fat. He was just plain huge but he was gentle as a lamb and to my shock, every cat in the house immediately took to him.
Pescious is older than Methuselah. He must be pushing 30 because I have had him over 20 years. He has mothered kittens and raised them and watched me bury them. He may outlive me. But, the old man is getting senile. Last night I dropped an ice cube and he mistook it for food and started licking it. I think you know what happened, but the ice cube finally fell off his tongue and he got brain freeze. I swear his eyes crossed. I know I will drop another cube but I wonder if he will remember what happened. I doubt it. He forgets he is eating and wanders off.
Oh, just for the record, a really rich man whose house she was cleaning 6 months later asked her to marry him. However, I didn't even get a tip. All I got was the bottomless pit of a cat and that my friends, is the story of MY life.

The Life of a Napoleon

I was working hard cleaning out my night stand and tower to move things to install the new computer. Napoleon was helping, mostly by snoring but that beats him nosing into everything. I found a mojo bag full of herbs I decided was part its prime and tossed it. Then I found a tube of herbs that looked good and decided to smell them later for identification as they had no label. Instantly I had a Napoleon. Seems his nose is pretty darned good and I had found CATNIP. Even though I didn't give him any, he went into roll on the back mode and that was the end of all cleaning up.
Finally I relented and poured some on the floor. He had a ball. The only problem was he went out of the room and the other cats smelled catnip on him. Next thing I knew, it was impossible to get down the hall because of all the huge furry bodies rolling around.
It settled down and lunch time rolled around. I carefully measured my beef ration for the week as I had some nice roast beef from Costco. Unfortunately for me, Napoleon now had the munchies and I lost half my meat to him. Then he settled in for the 18 hour catnap.
About an hour later I was getting ready to go to the shop and Purdy von Sweets ran in. I had to get her out because she knocks the fan down so I yelled. You have never seen quite the look I got from Napoleon who now seems to have one heck of a hangover. I wound up turning the fan off.
But this is day for stoners.
When I got to the shop it was water all the herbs time. As I got to the oregano, a small iguana walked out of it complaining about the cold water bath and licking his eyebrows (or what passes for an eyebrow ridge on an iguana). I kept watering and he looked kind of sideways at me and leisurely, with a bit of a stagger, walked away and slowly, and I mean slowly and carefully, climbed a few feet up the oak tree to be at eye level with me. There he sat watching and I swear his eyes were going in different directions. I finally concluded there was something wrong with that lizard. On the way in, I remembered all the tales about smoking oregano. Of course, I never smoked anything. I'm allergic to everything but some people swore they got high. I wonder if iguanas get high eating oregano because that boy has been really indulging in my crop. Let's just say I won't be harvesting that plant. Now, if I can just keep the other two hidden from the iguanas, I may have fresh oregano.

Cat Slave's Prayer

Dear Goddess Kali,
Loan me some arms.
Napoleon demands I scrape the last of the yogurt out of the container with a spoon. I have to hold the container and the spoon.
Purdy von Sweets sits on the other side demanding a spoon full of coffee or she will knock my cup over. You know what a mess that becomes.
Fionna sits in front demanding scritches.
Please dear Kali,
a couple of more arms.

Another Message and Washed to Death

This is a message from ANNOYANCE.
We are legion.
We are the cats.
There was no ice water last night.
There was no breakfast this morning


OKAY....STOP RIGHT THERE....

NAPOLEON, get your furry little tail in here.

No, I am not profiling you just because you are black and white,

have a small black mustache

and black goatee


Wait a minute....we have no internet...I'm sure we have no internet....STOP LOOKING CUTE!

The complaints will stop. Not a single one of you was awake all day. I even had to lift Boogaboo off the commode, LIMP. The only reason Purdy von Sweets left the box was because she smelled coffee making.

This is Boogoboo. Fear me!

Skin Mommy took me off my private, soft, furry sleeping area and put me in the box with Napoleon and Josephina. They licked me half to death. I had to put my paws over my head to keep from going bald. BALD I tell you! I tried to get under a book but it was too heavy. It was horrible. Need Annoyance to avenge me!

Napoleon, come here honey. Have we been using mommy's smart phone while she was asleep? Is that why the batter is always so low in the morning? You can tell mommy. Come back here!

And all I got was a tail twitch as he disappeared out the bedroom door and settled in the kitchen for a kibble feast.

There was another note:

We may forget where our kitty pan is,
But we never forgive a late meal.
You have been warned.

Fionna is a very smart kitty.

As I was trapped in the bathroom, Fionna decided to destroy the piece of wafer board I have been letting them destroy. It's better than the furniture. She got her little front claw caught in it and was twisting from side to side in severe distress. I was stuck and I said "Up, go up!" Instantly, she went up the board and her claw unhooked.
She waited at the door and I had to let her lay on the pillow as I massaged her little toes, scritched her chin and special whisker spot and kissed each toe for a half hour.
I don't think I have them too spoiled.

When I Awoke, Another Message

As I stumbled to the bathroom after totally over sleeping, I found another crudely scrawled note under the door. This has to stop, either my over sleeping or the notes.

This is Annoyance.

We waited.
We WAITED.
No ice water appeared last night.

We may forget where our kitty pan is
but we never forgive a late meal.
There will be no more warnings.

With great trepidation I walked into the living room only to discover they had managed to knock a huge box down and block the front door.

I think I liked it better when they just threw themselves into the door. There will be ice in the water fountain tonight.

Warning...new non cyber group arrises!

I was late getting up this morning and found a crudely scrawled note under the door. It read:

We are annoyance.

Hum doesn't Anonymous do videos?  Annoyance???

We are Legion.
We are Cats.
We may forget where our litter pan is,
but we never forgive a late meal.

I think I had better get up a little earlier.....

I Wonder About Fionna

It was quite early in the morning when I awoke. As a migraine sufferer, I am loath to open my eyes too quickly lest I discover new frontiers in pain. Light is not my friend. I slowly opened my eyes to discover I was being stared at by the cutest little black face in the Universe with her head laying even with mine on the pillow.
"Hello, I am Fionna. I will be sharing your pillow this morning," she smiled.
I made my usual trip to the facillities during which Fionna always disappears to enjoy the morning sunrise on the cat gym in front of the living room windows. Sure enough, upon my return I found my pillow empty and inviting. What could another few minutes hurt, I thought as I dozed off to sleep.
An hour later I awoke again feeling as though I was being stared at and slowly opened my eyes.
"Hello, I am Fionna. I will be sharing your pillow this morning," she smiled and I almost jumped out of bed. This was now getting weird. We walked to the bedroom door and she skittled off to enjoy her sunshine, but I wondered what was up. Fionna seldom does anything without a reason. She is known to lay on me exactly where it hurts, purring and heating me until the pain stops.
But, what would another few minutes of blessed sleep cost me.
I awoke, Fionnaless, to a demon with huge claws using a sledge hammer to try and exit my skull. I spent an hour hoping the Exedrine would work. Now, was she trying to tell me to get up so I would be awake, recognize the signs and grab my pills before the Demon M took up residence in my head?
Your guess is as good as mine, but next time, I staying up.

A Tale of Three Tales

Yeah, you want to make something of it?

Loki, our default cash register cat, has a huge fluffy tail that one would think might be a little dangerous around breakables. So far, this tail has proved to excellent at dusting the tops of books and little else. His tail is for display purposes only.
Isis, our lady, is multicoloured with a third eye splash. Her tail is a cacophony of colors reminding one of ancient Egypt and the desert sands. This tail can only be viewed by appointment and is for decorative purposes only.
Poor little Bitwit got the short end of stick, literally. Her tail is short, fat and since she is a ticked tabby (she has no bars or stripes like a Mackerel or Classic Tabby), her tail is pretty nondescript. When her little tail gets near anything breakable or movable it transforms itself into KUNG FU TAIL, terror of the shop. She can wipe an entire shelf of merchandise in one swipe. KUNG FU TAIL is sneaky. As you walk by, it snakes out and places itself directly under your foot but not so that you can cause permanent harm. This allows Bitwit to take a bite out of your ankle in retribution.
Of all the tails in the shop, fear KUNG FU TAIL!

Happiness

There is no cat in the universe happier than Howler now that his mother, Moon Faery, has returned to the shop after so many years. He makes sure we feed her every time we are dumb enough to step outside the door. He rubs against her to the point he has knocked her down several times. He guards her while she sleeps. He is such an mommy's boy and he is a wild as they come! Moon Faery actually took a treat out of my hand and I have never been able to get near her before so either she has escaped her "owners" of the last years or they have moved. Considering the economy around here, I am betting on the latter.

Miracles

In kitty terms we had a miracle today. Howler was super attached to his mother and one day a couple of years ago or more, she disappeared. We never saw her again. Today, she returned, skinny and hungry. Howler was beside himself. He has not left her side and she has moved back into the garage with him. He is so happy it is unbelievable.
So, now what do those of you who think animals have no family, friends or feelings think about that?

There was a day....

Once upon a time, any cat that found itself in my bedroom as the door closed and the lights went out, could crawl into bed with me and sleep in peace. If the yard opossum had found himself in there, he would have been welcome to curl up on that soft Tempurpedic topper and snore for a while.

Alas, that has changed. I noticed last night that Napoleon vets who will get VIP bed status. He then determines where said cat will get placed on the bed. He, of course, gets the choice spot next to me and any rebellion is met with him moving to the top of my head on the pillow.

Apparently I missed the election but I fear it was more of a peaceful coup.

Sorry Readers and cat lovers

When I tried to publish from my Android Phone last night, I discovered your blog post goes to the last blog you published in and you can't delete or move the post.

What a way to wake up....

Thie is a baby Napoleon

I awoke from nap with Geroge yelling at me come and get food. Unfortunately, I was shaking all over. I wasn't cold, I was just shaking. Then I realized Napoleon was on top of me: PURRING! He was purring so strongly he was vibrating my entire body.

A Note from Napoleon

I was born in a tent garage that leaked to a family of 5 kits in the dirt. My fur mother did her best and my big brother helped out, but a dog killed my sister and I had been hungry many a day trying to catch iguanas that were bigger than me.
Then my skin mother took me from my big bother when the dog killed little sister and carried me home. She slept with me on her heart all night so I wouldn't be frightened and promised to care for me the rest of our lives. Skin Mother is no spring chicken or I would have eaten her. She even rescued my two sisters and brother with my help.
I swear by the Great Goddess Bastet, my little white feet will never touch dirt again and I will sleep with my Skin Mother for all our days.
Janice- Good Goddess, he is such a drama queen. No more watching Gone With the Wind for him. He got his brother to come out but I had to trap those little sisters and drag them from under the air conditioner. It took me two days to find them while he luxuriated in the shop every day with a warm bottle of milk until I noticed he had a full set of teeth all because I was too soft hearted to leave him at home. He's been playing me like a violin ever since. Oh, and he snores.

The Tale of a Scab

No, I am not talking Union.
Now don't laugh, but it all started when something started growing on the end of my nose. Okay, I may be a witch but this was ridiculous and so not funny, so I scheduled an appointment with the Dermatologist. My regular doctor was out of town so I took the owner of the practice. This is a warning to all potential patients out there in the universe. You know how a doctor usually says, "This is just going to be a little pinch," and then the tears are running down your face as you try to crawl over the back of the exam chair? Well, if one asks if you had breakfast because she doesn't want you passing out on her from the pain, RUN! I mean it: RUN!
Sticking the needle in the end of my nose was just about the worse pain I have ever felt and most of you know I am no stranger to pain. Heck, I don't even feel the cats scratch me any more. A minute later my nose was numb, biopsied and I had a package of antibiotic ointment in my hand with the instructions to let it scab over or I would have to wear the bandaide on my nose for the rest of my life. That is not a good fashion statement. That package could have been nitroglycerin for all I knew, without glasses and with eyes now permanently crossed. George had to drive me home.
As it turned out, the package wasn't something fun like nitroglycerin but Bactrin and I am allergic to something it in. So, unless I wanted to look like Rudolph in a couple of minutes, I needed the triple antibiotic ointment. Dutifully, I smeared it on and by nightfall I had a nice scab to which I applied more ointment like a good little patient. By morning I had no scab. This process continued for about a week until the day of the great nap.
I am not a napper, but I was exhausted, so I laid down and Purdy von Sweets, sister to Napoleon, laid beside me. It is her favorite location and she holds onto my arm just to make certain I don't escape, claws inserted. Because I had scraped my hand, I had smeared it with antibiotic ointment, too. I awoke to my hand being zotted and claw grappling hooks holding me still.
Allow me to explain zotting. Purdy is a licker and I have super delicate skin. My dermatologist will attest to the simple fact that I am allergic to everything. Thus, the rough cat tongue is very painful for me and I scream and jerk away. Purdy doesn't like screaming and she wants her licking fix, so she developed a technique called zotting for lack of an English word. She sticks her tongue out and touches you and withdraws it quickly, moving to the next location. It's not exactly a lick but it works for us. Unfortunately she was applying claws to make certain I didn't move and she got the maximum antibiotic ointment. It turns out, as my friends have told me, cats love the stuff.
I jerked up and happened to glance in the mirror: no nose scab. Now, if the scab was falling off, I should be able to locate it in a totally white bed, right? Apparently that would apply only if I could see in Purdy's stomach. However, as one person pointed out, she certainly did a good job because you can barely see where the slice was taken off your nose.
Then I remembered the  cosmetic surgeon who operated on me for skin cancer debrading the scab to keep it from scarring. I guess I could start renting Purdy out for medical procedures.....